I have to be honest; when I played through Duke Nukem Forever, the only real enjoyment I got from the game was the opening, when you could throw feces at the NPCs. I thought it was a great metaphor for what the developers had just done to me: instead of flushing stinking, disgusting excrement, they pulled it from the toilet and sold it to us. Perhaps I'm being unfair, though... After all, there are so many other games that are subtly just as annoying, merely sans the hype. So without further ado, here is my list of turds in gaming that developers need to flush, and not take out of the toilet for us to play with again.
1. Repeated Repeated Environments Environments: Don't get me wrong, I got REALLY into Dragon Age 2. It had an incredibly immersive story (I spent as much time trying to save the world as I did trying to sleep with my NPCs, I swear!) but it failed to truly appeal to the escapist in me; every time I went into a dungeon, it was exactly the same as the last one I was in. I would have rather had a shorter game than an artificially lengthened one that gave me the same blasted cave every time I went through a doorway.
2. Beginning, Middle and... it's Over: Any 3rd grade teacher can tell you that a story has a beginning, a middle, and an end (or maybe you listen to that dude in the Other Guys: "by starting at the end, briefly, then going back to the beginning, and then periodically returning to the end, maybe giving different characters' perspectives throughout.” Sound familiar, Dragon Age 2?), but lately game manufacturers have gotten the idea they can just give you the beginning, and maybe if they get around to making a game that finishes the series later you will have to buy that too. Take the Halo series, for example, a shining display of good and bad endings. Halo 1 ended with the destruction of the ring, and had a real sense of closure, but there was still room for a sequel because the Covenent were still out there. Then there's Halo 2.... You land on an awesome alien ship, Master Chief says "I'm gonna finish this fight", and then..... credits roll. Seriously? And you want me to buy Halo 4 now? Too Human was even worse. You play through a few levels of pure filler, and then suddenly there is a cutscene of Loki coming towards you with an army of giant robots. 'Finally,' you think to yourself, 'something worth playing'. Then it ends abruptly and the game sucks too bad to make a sequel. Maybe you should have started the game with a robot riding God of Mischief? Just sayin'.
3.The Super Duper Fancy Pants Deluxe Edition: Capcom, we need to have a talk. After I played through Marvel vs Capcom 3, it was already obvious that Jill, Hawkeye, and Ghostrider were finished and intended to be in the game at the time of release. But why give us the characters with the game (You know? The game we paid full price for? That one?) when you could hold on to them, and come out a year later and release Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3 with the characters you had finished on day one. Then there is the whole mess with Street Fighter 4, Super Street Fighter 4, Super Street Fighter 4 Arcade editions, and so on. Hey, how about you just give us the entire game when you finish it, jerks?
4. Charlie Chaplain Gaming: Nintendo! Please! You still haven't thought that maybe you should use voice acting? At least for the main character? Then again I suppose it could be worse, like when the characters say the same thing over and over and over. And over. And over. Seriously, we've already moved into the era of 3D games, maybe you should get with the times?
5. Crap-Mart Exclusives: So what if a retail company gives robotic service and crappy trade values? They get the Crap-Mart exclusives! Maybe it's a character, extra levels, costumes, even something more tangible like a poster.... Regardless of what it is, it's content that was intentionally left out of a game someone paid full price for solely to prop up companies that use money to make up for the fact that they have no soul. Actually taking something out of a game that was originally supposed to be included for that reason is inexcusable. End this now.
1. Repeated Repeated Environments Environments: Don't get me wrong, I got REALLY into Dragon Age 2. It had an incredibly immersive story (I spent as much time trying to save the world as I did trying to sleep with my NPCs, I swear!) but it failed to truly appeal to the escapist in me; every time I went into a dungeon, it was exactly the same as the last one I was in. I would have rather had a shorter game than an artificially lengthened one that gave me the same blasted cave every time I went through a doorway.
2. Beginning, Middle and... it's Over: Any 3rd grade teacher can tell you that a story has a beginning, a middle, and an end (or maybe you listen to that dude in the Other Guys: "by starting at the end, briefly, then going back to the beginning, and then periodically returning to the end, maybe giving different characters' perspectives throughout.” Sound familiar, Dragon Age 2?), but lately game manufacturers have gotten the idea they can just give you the beginning, and maybe if they get around to making a game that finishes the series later you will have to buy that too. Take the Halo series, for example, a shining display of good and bad endings. Halo 1 ended with the destruction of the ring, and had a real sense of closure, but there was still room for a sequel because the Covenent were still out there. Then there's Halo 2.... You land on an awesome alien ship, Master Chief says "I'm gonna finish this fight", and then..... credits roll. Seriously? And you want me to buy Halo 4 now? Too Human was even worse. You play through a few levels of pure filler, and then suddenly there is a cutscene of Loki coming towards you with an army of giant robots. 'Finally,' you think to yourself, 'something worth playing'. Then it ends abruptly and the game sucks too bad to make a sequel. Maybe you should have started the game with a robot riding God of Mischief? Just sayin'.
3.The Super Duper Fancy Pants Deluxe Edition: Capcom, we need to have a talk. After I played through Marvel vs Capcom 3, it was already obvious that Jill, Hawkeye, and Ghostrider were finished and intended to be in the game at the time of release. But why give us the characters with the game (You know? The game we paid full price for? That one?) when you could hold on to them, and come out a year later and release Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3 with the characters you had finished on day one. Then there is the whole mess with Street Fighter 4, Super Street Fighter 4, Super Street Fighter 4 Arcade editions, and so on. Hey, how about you just give us the entire game when you finish it, jerks?
4. Charlie Chaplain Gaming: Nintendo! Please! You still haven't thought that maybe you should use voice acting? At least for the main character? Then again I suppose it could be worse, like when the characters say the same thing over and over and over. And over. And over. Seriously, we've already moved into the era of 3D games, maybe you should get with the times?
5. Crap-Mart Exclusives: So what if a retail company gives robotic service and crappy trade values? They get the Crap-Mart exclusives! Maybe it's a character, extra levels, costumes, even something more tangible like a poster.... Regardless of what it is, it's content that was intentionally left out of a game someone paid full price for solely to prop up companies that use money to make up for the fact that they have no soul. Actually taking something out of a game that was originally supposed to be included for that reason is inexcusable. End this now.
Submitted by: Daniel Dewey (Employee)
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